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[ website | tom is satan ]
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lost in a hail of gun-fire. [Jun. 20th, 2006|02:06 pm]
[mood |crankycranky]
[music |armor for sleep - basement ghost singing]

i doubt this lasts much longer...
its just not what i want.
i dont feel a need to be with her or anyone else...

your all ________

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
yeah i paint...
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responsible [Jun. 18th, 2006|04:30 pm]
[mood |thankfulthankful]

im sober now...

atleast until i get back on my feet.

im putting every bit of money I make to my bills, and such..

not drugs.

atleast for now :)

((( your back in my head )))
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to be quite Honest [Jun. 13th, 2006|05:08 pm]
[mood |crazycrazy]
[music |fridge hummmmm]

i dont remember what being sober Feels like...

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we hold true face/pain [Jun. 12th, 2006|07:14 am]
[mood |contentcontest and exhausted.]
[music |my epiphany - final battle]

amazing night :)
i had a blast hanging out with <3Dj, calais, rachelle, kevin, danial and alicia, India and amanda stopped by as-well, i wish they could've stayed around longer
oh well we'll hang out Soon
i havnt slept in forever, and im still feeling the effects of last nights events..

so getting back to normal
with having few cares in life :)

thats the way i seem to like it
so . . .
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one of my turns [Jun. 5th, 2006|12:17 pm]
[mood |confusedconfused]
[music |pink floyd - nobody home]

im being torn between 2 lives, 2 futures, and both have there ups and downs.
both have complete power over me.

i can return to the one true love i have and always will have and take the risk of losing all hope in itself all together and losing most of what i have now, but take the chance of being happy

or i can choose to continue the road im leading, and lie, and fake my happiness, and just be blandly un-happy which in a frightning way im completely comfortable with.

basically i dont know what to do.
im lost
and confused and i have so many peoples feelings resting on my shoulder, and i know i should just do whats best for me, and stop worrying about others but thats hard to do when those people make me what i am.

ive been drug free too long now.
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im just gonna stay single : [May. 31st, 2006|01:48 pm]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |blue october - hate me]

i just realized.

My 5 Dead Skies (1:46:54 PM): its not only directed at you if that lowers the blow
telesthesia x (1:47:05 PM): then who is it?
My 5 Dead Skies (1:47:17 PM): everyone
My 5 Dead Skies (1:47:27 PM): everyone ive hurt sense we've broken up
My 5 Dead Skies (1:47:36 PM): my friends who cared for me and ive shit on them
telesthesia x (1:47:57 PM): ohh
My 5 Dead Skies (1:48:08 PM): its not just about me you and calais
telesthesia x (1:48:15 PM): i'm going to stop telling you how much i care. even though you know now..
My 5 Dead Skies (1:48:23 PM): its everyone whos been there for me, and tried to love me and i couldnt do it back amber
telesthesia x (1:48:42 PM): i know how it feels, i did the same damn thing.
telesthesia x (1:50:49 PM): there's this r&b song that fits us perfect..two of them actually.
telesthesia x (1:52:44 PM): i'm probably going to end up making another cd, with different types of music..
My 5 Dead Skies (1:52:50 PM): yeah but those people you hurt you dont hang out with on a regular bases....im friends with most of mine now and want to continue being friends with

(im gonna stay single) : im not going to look or search or try for anything with anyone.
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this will probably make "little" sense because im sober [May. 31st, 2006|12:31 pm]
[mood |crappycrappy]
[music |bury your dead - tuesday night fever]

to be blankly honest im at a breaking point
i dont know where to turn for help
i dont know what i want
i dont know how to get what i want when i dont know what it is that i want
i dont know how to figure anything out
im utterly lost

so much is relying on me
so many people counting on me
its stressful
and ive been putting drugs in the picture to calm me
to numb me
(more then normal)
ive tried for the first time
and coke
in the past 2 months
its been completely insane
i loved every thing about each
all three cleared my mind, helped me realize things
put my thoughts into words, or pictures, or images across the wall
then i come down and im back to reality
and its no better then before
the drugs are a nice and felt needed vacation
dont get me wrong i love them
but ive been sober for little more then a day now
for the first time in atleast 4-5 months
i dont know for sure how long
ive lost track of time.
i need to cut back i need to be real again
i need to stop playing with my emotions and others
im destroying myself and no one seems to be helping the situation by throwing there feelings at me, over and over
its a little too much to handle right now
i just need to come down alone
i need to figure things out
i need to grasp my true emotions
im being torn from person to person
being forced to choose, its like people are auctioning off my feelings
im being forced to choose who to hurt and who to reward and i cant do that!
i cant just throw everyone around like that.
basically i just need to time to work things out
i need alone time
i need something else.
right now im being forced to choose between being with someone i once would have died for
i would have done anything to be with, someone who tore my emotions from limb to limb someone im not over yet, im not over that person, but i dont know how to get back to that person, i dont know how to have the feelings i need to love anyone right now
and the other person who i love dearly as a friend and she has higher feelings then that
i dont want to lose her, she means very much to me, i enjoy her company i enjoy being around her and hanging out and just chilling but i cant be with her that way.
i said i would but i messed up, i figured i could have something with her sense we've been through soo much, and i love being around her, and there are feelings just feelings i cant except. i do not want to lose her. and im afraid i might,

i have 2 lives to choose from and the time is now
im just not ready

either way someone will be hurt at my expense
including myself
i just dont know what to do
i dont want to hurt anyone
i want to escape
i want to run from this
and i cant
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(no subject) [May. 8th, 2006|10:05 pm]
[mood |crankycranky]
[music |haste the day - ros king]

ok livejournals' become pointless to me.
you kids suck.
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(no subject) [May. 3rd, 2006|07:46 pm]
[mood |highhigh]
[music |hollywood undead - the kids]

smoking my moms pot!


its actually some good shit
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limbo [May. 2nd, 2006|11:40 am]
[mood |intimidatedintimidated]
[music |armor for sleep - a quick little flight]

fake lands, seas, skies, and me, this is my limbo

i cant find the world
I,m searching for,
the land seems so transparent and foreign to me
i dont blend in with society, i understand why no ones free
it bothers me, and i fade to breath
searching for the film strip beneath to clip,
and reveal the truth of your god viewing me twitch
im entertainment tv, for the winged and gorgeous
im running out tonight, the doors breaking my existence
please dont fuck this up for me
i wont stand for responsibility
i wont have my life thread to clothe of reality
only happy under the influence its a waiting of intolerable faces
faceless meant with bodies of gore, your so beautiful hideous
when will we break the offers across your spine
where did we go wrong, with weak minds and arms of ink and little white lines, drag, hit your clouded muscles forgetting everything at once, we will change our lives
un existing power over all, i have the right to be primal
survival over stabbing souls and dragging bodies to the shore
lets pawn our hearts, for cash and goods, its used and tattered broken from pump to valve ripped from door to door painted red and restored for the shelf take a look whats the cost. this is the last mistake i'll make, but now it seems one i must make
and your there alone, you know were all broken souls
you stand there alone and hope for a sign of something more
something there to live for, not to mention the sign for sale belt buckled above a grave item
caving in, were letting them win
were living a, in, and out of limbo
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